Anxiety

Hello there.
This topic, today, is the hardest one to ever write for me. So I do not promise that I will finish it now.

It is Anxiety.

Anxiety is something big and scary. It can have a reason but it really does not have to. You can have a perfectly fine life, a flawless past...and still lay in bed at night cry. For sure that does not mean you do suffer from anxiety. But some people do. Many, many people do. I do.
To clear things up: I do not hate myself or my looks. I used to. But I learned to  accept my body. There is a lot that had happened in my past 18 years I am here on earth. I do not want or need to tell you them. The result just are anxiety and panic attacks. They are not the same, at least in my opinion. Anxiety attacks are when everything just slipps out of your hands. You can not keep going the way you are. They are not Depression either. They are just a phase. Sometimes more often and sometimes you do not have one for weeks, months, or even years. Panic attacks are literally panic. Although Anxiety is somewhat panic too. It is hard to explain to someone that does not have any problems in that direction. But the german translation of Anxiety kind of explains it. Angststörung. Translated: Fear disorder. It is being terrified of everything. That everything is something else for everyone. It does not mean everything in the way of every little thing on the planet. Its a combiniation of things that seem to be "everything" for that person. Because that everything makes your life harder. Not not liveable. But harder.

                   “One of my main problems 
                    Is that I can be surrounded
                    By people but still feel alone
                    Because I fear people leaving
                    So I’ll push them away
                    Trying not to get too attached”

                              —  P.L

That is something many people do.

 Something I  do. People around me, like my boyfriend and my friends, struggle with that. I push people away because I do not want to hurt them. I do not want them to be hurt. Hurt because of me. Hurt because they care to much about me. Hurt because they do not know how to help me when I have an anxiety/panic attack. So I just push them away. 

A few weeks after I met this amazing guy, I realised something big was happening. I was scared. So I told him I can not be with him. Just a few hours after we talked about the feelings between us. I did because I already had a panic attack at his house. I felt like he would not understand. Like he would try to find the mistake on himself. After that I felt miserable. I still could not keep myself away from him. He started pushing me away. Because he was hurt. But then something happend inside of him and he started fighting for me. Now 3 months later-we are together. I still push him away from me every now and then. Because I do not want to hurt him. But with that I do. But he understands. I could not be happier. And I know some day I will be brave enough to show him this blog. And he will read those words. I just want to let him know: I love you in this wonderful, big, scary, batman (insider) way!

I know this whole thing kinda got off topic but I will have to stop here and write another post after some more time.

Talk to you soon.

Goodnight. Have a great day. Enjoy life.

Anne.

Welcome in 2015

Hello Guys.
Happy new Year I guess.
I am more than sorry for not  posting for five whole months. There is no excuse for that. I may had just a limited amount of time, but in during that time i was writing quite alot. Nothing that I would post on here though. I will write about some of the topic just not in the way I did in my Notebook. Those things just do not belong on the internet.

What I want to say is that I am back!

I do not know yet if I will keep doing the Happy Monday every week. Probably just whenever I feel like it. I hope that is okay with you.

I can not promise you, I will be posting every week or even on a daily basis. However, that is my goal. At least two posts per week. But I won't promise, because I can not just pull ideas out of my head like I have hair on my head. So excuse me if you do not hear anything from me for a week or two.

Talk to you soon.

Goodnight. Have a great day. Enjoy life.

Anne.

{Special 1/3} Happy Monday 3

Hey there internet person..

So for me it is already tuesday (well right this minute it is 12:13am) and I forgot to post my happy monday for today. I could just to a normal one but because  I feel bad, I am gonna post a few pictures of things that make me happy. That way you can also learn a bit more about me. YAY 😁 Enjoy.

 and do not judge me.

I am obsessed with cats! Sadly I do not have one right now..😭

Travelling. Seeing the world. Learning new cultures.

I grew up with horses. Everything about them is amazing. 

Do I even have to say something?

I love rain. I love dancing in the rain. But even more I love playing soccer in the rain.
Or just playing/watching soccer 😍

It's just impossible to talk about soccer without him..😍

My family is my everything. And disney..who does not love disney??

So this is already quite long, and we are exactly a third way through so the other two parts gonna be posted on the next two Happy Mondays!

Talk to you soon.

Goodnight. Have a great day. Enjoy life.

Anne.

{Series} Truth about my exchange. Part One

Hello!

Todays topic is the first part about my exchange year in the United States or to be correct in Louisiana. It is not that easy to talk about this for me to other people because most of the time people tell me that my hostmom was a complete (i'm sorry) bitch.
The thing is that I never enjoyed being there. But I am still more than grateful that they let me live with them and (at least the kids) let me a part of their family. You probably already wonder, because all of that does not really match together. The problem was that I just never was able to really bond with my hostmom because of things that had happened at the beginning and before I even got there. Maybe I will get into that sometime but just not right now. Of course I did had some good laughs and times with her and we even have some Insider jokes like "The Beer Bear". We were in South or North Dakota (it was a road trip through both states so i do not remember) in this Bear drive through park thing. And I was like "Look theres a Beer following the car!", because I thought you pronounce "Bear" - Beer.
We just could not really stand each other for too long. And the first five to six months honestly sucked. I would not be allowed to do anything. And when I say Anything I mean anything. She even almost would not let me go to homecoming. And overall all we would say to each other would be: "Morning. Bye. Night.". I wanted to go home early, but my bestie and her family made me a home were I basically stayed five days per week at least. I call her parents mom and dad. And she actually does the same to my mom, because she came to Germany with me for this summer which was amazing!
Then around february we got along better. And she did so much for me which was just incredible. It did not last too long though because in May, my last month, it got almost worse than in the beginning. She even told me that she can not wait for me to leave. And we started to fight alot and she made fun of me. It was not good. But I did survived. Then the last day of school came around. May the 20th. I stayed with my bestie till the evening of the 23th. Went home and packed. And I left the 25th. My hostdad did not said bye or came to the airport but, oh well, he was barely at home so whatever. My two little siblings. My 11 year old sister and my five year old brother came to the airport. They were more than sad  that I left. And I did not left to go through security till I just had ten more minutes before boarding is done. I just could not leave them. I love them so much. And I miss them every single minute. I am going to see them on Christmas because I am going back for a few weeks then and I just can not wait to hold them in my arms again.
That is all I want to say today. I won't promise that I will update this once a week, because I will just write when I feel like I want to. It is all not easy to talk about.
If you have any suggestions or questions let me know in the comments.
Oh and by the way..It is exactly One year ago that I flew to New york and started everything..

Talk to you soon.

Goodnight. Have a great day. Enjoy life.

Anne.

Happy Monday 2

Hello! I hope you had an amazing day so far.

Talk to you soon.
Goodnight. Have a great day. Enjoy life.
Anne.

Honesty and Diplomacy.

Hello my lovely reader.
There are days and moments in life when you do not want to hear the truth.
When you get up in the morning, for example, with a huge pimple right on your forehead. What you need the least, are those people who constantly remind you of it.. Boom. They pop the truth, like a wet towel, in yoir face. "Ew, what is that in your face? The thing is huge!" Oh. Whether you believe it or not, I do have a mirror at home.
Or if you skipped sleeping that one night because you absolutely wanted to finish the last chapter of your new book,  because you still had to study for the exam the next day, or simply because your brain would not shut up.. Dark circles, blacker than the blackest coffee. "You look really done and tired." Thanks for the info. "Is that a varicose vein?" No, man, I have just light skin! (And even if i do)

That is honest. But not diplomatic.

But when I think about it, I'm not a good diplomat. This thing with the diplomacy is not for me. I can not pack mean things into beautiful flowers..I am too honest. Awkward. But the truth is like the diplomacy, it is a very small line that is easily crossed. Baam, you fall down on the other side and land ungentlely in hurt feelings.
So I keep my thoughts mainly for me. That is just who I am. Prefer to stay silent. Talking is worthy. Sometimes, yes. I say nothing, because I know that words often do not help. I hate to spin in a circle with words. Constantly the same things. Again and again - like a CD player whit a clamming repeat button. You talk down a topic till you can not think of even one more word. Then, to finally stay silent.
I say nothing, because I know that words often do not help. Because they do not want to be heard. No sooner they are out, they fizzle out in the atmosphere as colorful small bubbles. Lose their meaning - or never had one. We talk so much and yet so little. What are words worth, if they just miserably bounce of a wall made of  deadlocked opinions, hardened hearts, hurt feelings or false pride? What are words good for, if you can not make people understand how you feel. Because they never reach their destination, because they miss the mark, because they are misunderstood. No, I am not a good diplomat.
So I say nothing. Because silence is also a type of talking.

Talk to you soon.

Goodnight. Have a great day. Enjoy life.

Anne.

Karma.

Well hello there! Haven't seen you in a long time.

{This post might not really come to the point, but thats just the best way for me to put it. Just think about it and make your own opinion.}

Nobody is save from Karma. I mean at one point in life it will come back to everyone of us. If it is not giving up your seat in the bus for an elderly human being or you rape someone - it will come back to you. Same if you help an old Lady over the street or just make a stranger smile. Everything comes back to you at one point. 

Everyone gets what they deserve. 

If you come across a good person you should think about "becoming" like him/her. But if you see a bad person, compare him/her to your weak points and improve.

I am not saying that we all just should be perfect or that there even is someone that is completly perfect. No. What I mean is we all should treat everyone like we want them to treat us.

  Everyone makes mistakes. But if we do them twice it is not a mistake anymore - it is a choice.

So we should all start thinking about our actions and how they impact other peoples lifes. If it does impact someone else in a negative way we should not do it. But that is not the reality. I for example know that I made a negative impact with doing an exchange year. And I know that going back for four years going to do the same. Even though the impact is not too big, it still is negative. But sometimes everyone has to selfish too. When we want our dreams to come true. Or make our self feel good. 

Make our life happy. And I think that is not bad. Not good either but acceptable.

 I just don't see the sense to live a life that doesn't make me happy. Even if it is perfect. What would it help you if all you get is good karma, but you never smile or laugh.

  Or never being happy? 

I prefer maybe getting hit by some small bad karma but always be happy with my choices. 

I know when I look back at my life and regret anything I did. What I regret is everything I did not do..

Talk to you soon.

Good night. Good morning. Good afternoon. Have a great day. Live Life. Enjoy.
Anne.